Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1
by MortalSora
Summary: This is the long-awaited sequel! In this chapter, Kain tries desperately to cross the gap between the Abyss and Raziel's clan area!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: No own LoK or LoK characters. Nuff said  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Special Guests: Wise Man Domingo, Z-F Kat, Light in the Dark Places, Concept of a Demon, Venris, Sarryn, and Silveriss  
  
[The scene is, yet again, the Pillars. Things are getting set for the new movie, but things aren't going well. There aren't near enough people to help make the movie. Dumah is walking around at the entrance of the Pillars spraying himself with something]  
  
Kain: (sees Dumah spraying himself then walks over to Dumah) What are you doing?  
  
Dumah: Why do you care? I'm your least favorite while Razzyboy is your favorite!  
  
Kain: That was just a little joke, I didn't think Razzyboy would fall for it!  
  
Dumah: (cheers up) Oh! Well, I'm spraying this Axe Body Deodorant on me. It's  
  
supposed to make me irresistible to the opposite sex.  
  
Kain: (sighs) Don't be stupid Dumah, that's Zephon's department.  
  
(then Zephon came wobbling up with a bunny biting his foot)  
  
Zephon: (in pain) Before you ask, I was gonna play Kick The Bunny, but the bunny  
  
didn't want to take any crap from me, so he bit me and now the little bastard won't let  
  
go. I'm gonna look for some pepper spray.  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) You see?  
  
(then, as Zephon's leaving, he smells something sensual and really good)  
  
Zephon: (smelling) Yum, where's that awesome smell coming from?  
  
Dumah: !!  
  
Kain: (evil grin)  
  
Zephon: (smelling) What is that sexy yummy fragrant? What angel could that be  
  
coming from?  
  
Dumah: (whispering to Kain) He doesn't know it's me, does he?  
  
Kain: Nope.  
  
Zephon: That great smell makes me forget all about this bunny that's biting me.  
  
Dumah: (gulp)  
  
Zephon: (turning to Dumah) You don't happen to know where that great smell is  
  
coming from, do you?  
  
Dumah: Um...hehehe, no.  
  
Zephon: (walking toward Dumah) The smell is becoming stronger.  
  
Kain: (does his neat evil laugh)  
  
Zephon: (smells Dumah's shoulder) !!  
  
Dumah: !!  
  
Zephon: (totally disillusioned) I'm going now.  
  
(then Zephon left)  
  
Kain: Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Dumah: If that worked on him, it's gotta work on the women.  
  
  
  
[So Dumah went out in the freezing cold and saw 6 vampire women walk by. He sprayed the spray on but they just walked on because they didn't even notice him. He got pissed and said that the Axe Deodorant was worthless. Meanwhile, Raziel was having a little heated chat with his agent]  
  
Raziel: (talking on a cell phone with his agent) Okay, listen to me, we need help! We  
  
need people like make-up artists, props people, illustrators, anyone! We need help!  
  
MortalK55 (Razzyboy's agent): (on the other line, of course) Okay, sure.  
  
Raziel: We need them now!  
  
MortalK55: Ok ok ok! Calm down!  
  
Raziel: Calm down! Calm down! I desperately need help here David!  
  
MortalK55: Ok, let me think here!  
  
Raziel: Hurry, we don't have a lot of time here! So hu-  
  
MortalK55: Hey, sit down, shut up. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. I'll get online and  
  
get some people to help. That is, if AOL 8.0 won't freakin' freeze about 10 minutes after  
  
I get online! AOL 8.0 sucks! It has SO MANY BUGS!  
  
Raziel: Okay, just get me something! Someone!  
  
MortalK55: Okay! I'll try my best! Just forgive me if they're not...well...  
  
Raziel: Well what!?  
  
MortalK55: Totally sane.  
  
Raziel: (sighs) Fine! Just get them here as fast as possible!  
  
MortalK55: Alrighty then!  
  
  
  
[Raziel hangs up and gathers the lieutenants around and Kain]  
  
Raziel: Okay, I've spoken with my agent and he'll be sending people over here to help  
  
us as fast as possible!  
  
Melchiah: Where's Vorador and Janos and Umah?  
  
Raziel: Don't know!  
  
Turel: Will this one be a musical?  
  
Kain: No okay!? NO FREAKIN' MUSICALS!!  
  
Turel: We seriously need a musical.  
  
Kain: I hope they get here soon.  
  
Zephon: Good news guys! I pepper sprayed the bunny and he's gone away! I used all  
  
of my pepper spray too!  
  
(they just stare at him)  
  
Zephon: (to Dumah) Can I have some of that Axe stuff?  
  
Dumah: No! It's mine! I'm hoping it will work!  
  
(they all here a noise coming out of a closet)  
  
Turel: I heard a noise coming out of a closet.  
  
Melchiah: Since when do we have a closet!?  
  
Turel: Since when did we have cell phones in Nosgoth; who cares!  
  
Kain: Zephon, check it out.  
  
Zephon: Why me?  
  
Kain: Cause if it's something dangerous, it'll attack you instead of us.  
  
Zephon: (thinks about this) Weeeeeell...ok, sounds fair.  
  
(then Zephon walked to their closet, opened it up, and a hyperactive fangirl by the  
  
name of Z-F Kat tumbled out and immediately latched onto Zephon's leg and wouldn't  
  
let go. Zepon just starred)  
  
Zephon: (stares at Z-F Kat then Kain, then Z-F Kat, then Kain) Um, Kain, I've got a  
  
human latched to me.  
  
Kain: Then shake it off!  
  
(Zephon shaked his leg a lot but the fan girl just increased her grip)  
  
Zephon: Um, it's not working. I knew I shouldn't have use all of the pepper spray.  
  
Dumah: Well, let's just kill her.  
  
Raziel: No wait, she could be one of the people sent here to help us by my agent!  
  
Z-F Kat: (while still latched to Zephon's leg) Yep! I'm Z-F Kat!  
  
Zephon: I still can't get her off my leg. She's hugging me.  
  
Turel: Come on Zephon, why should this bother you!? You'll dress like a woman without  
  
complaining!  
  
Zephon: Um, how's she gonna help?  
  
(Z-F Kat let go of his leg and sprung up and hugged him)  
  
Z-F Kat: I get to apply your make-up!!  
  
Zephon: This could get bad.  
  
Z-F Kat: I own you, remember! Don't forget that fic by DHA!  
  
Zephon: Um...(thinking of an excuse to escape)...I was outbid on e-Bay.  
  
(then Zephon ran away with Z-F Kat running after him waving her hands around)  
  
Kain: I can tell this is gonna be one long ass day.  
  
Raziel: I'll call my agent...  
  
(then Raziel walked away)  
  
Melchiah: Are crazy people gonna come after us too?  
  
Turel: I hope not.  
  
Dumah: I'll just woo them with my Axe Deodorant.  
  
Kain: Yeah, well-  
  
(then was a knocking on their gate. Kain was gonna open the gate but when the person  
  
on the other side saw Kain, the person kicked the gate open, hitting Kain)  
  
Kain: Ow! Who did that?  
  
(one of Kain's worst enemies who he really feared walked up)  
  
Kain: Oh no, not you!  
  
Kain's worst enemy: Yes, it's me. Wise Man Domingo. I'm here to apply your make-up.  
  
Kain: OH NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
(so Kain ran away with Wise Man Domingo chasing him down while holding a hammer.  
  
Meanwhile, Razzyboy was phoning his agent again)  
  
Raziel: Hello, David?  
  
MortalK55: Yes?  
  
Raziel: We have a madwoman chasing down Zephon and a hammer-wielder chasing  
  
down Kain. What the hell is going on?  
  
MortalK55: These are your helpers. Don't worry, I can assure you it'll get a lot worse.  
  
Raziel: (PO'ed) Why'd I ever get you to be my agent?  
  
MortalK55: Because I kick butt. And I'm handsome.  
  
Raziel: (sighs) And an ego-maniac.  
  
MortalK55: Yeah, but that's just recently. Bye!  
  
(Razzyboy's client hung up)  
  
Raziel: Damnit! What next?  
  
Turel: Don't worry, I'll fend off any lunatics!  
  
(just then, a lunatic crashed through the roof and the lunatic was riding a flying goat.  
  
When the goat landed, the lunatic got off. This very weird lunatic is, of course, Venris)  
  
Turel: I'll fight the lunatic off!  
  
Venris: Hey TurelTurel! How do you like my flying goat!?  
  
Turel: Razzyboy, run!  
  
(so Raziel ran)  
  
Turel: (to Venris) I know what you are!  
  
Venris: You knew I was a goat worshipper!! You must read minds! Neat-o!!  
  
Turel: I'm a professional at handling lunatics, so beware!  
  
Venris: Are you saying I'm a lunatic because I rode a flying goat here?  
  
Turel: Um...yes.  
  
Venris: I'm not a lunatic! A lunatic praises inanimate objects and can't tell the difference  
  
between inanimate objects and real objects!!  
  
Turel: So I'm safe?  
  
Venris: Of course! Hey, have you met Gilgagoh? Here's my pet zucchini!  
  
Turel: Oh no.  
  
(well, since there's chaos everywhere, Raziel seeks out Kain, who is standing on his  
  
throne trying to get away from Wise Man Domingo)  
  
Raziel: Kain, you must get order!  
  
Kain: I can once you get Wise Man's hammer!  
  
(so Raziel steals the hammer and Kain gets down)  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Aw, I was gonna use that to perform an EKG on him!  
  
Kain: EVERYONE FREEZE!!  
  
(so everyone freeze, even Z-F Kat who claims she was just putting make-up around  
  
Zephon's lips when she was really just trying to kiss him)  
  
Kain: WE NEED ORDER! NOW, IS ANYONE ELSE COMING!?  
  
Venris: Does ShooShoo count?  
  
Kain: WHO'S SHOOSHOO?  
  
Venris: My pet ceiling fan!  
  
Kain: NO!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Well, about four more people are coming.  
  
Kain: Okay, first we need order. Now, Z-F Kat will be Zephon's make-up artist!  
  
Zephon: You can't be serious!!  
  
Dumah: You mean make-out artist, hehehehe.  
  
Zephon: Shut up Dumah!  
  
Kain: Turel will go all the way to Dark Eden to get us a rock and Venris will accompany  
  
him!  
  
Turel: What!? You're just saying this so she'll drive me crazy, aren't you?  
  
Kain: Yep. And Wise Man Domingo, you stay away from me! You scare the hell out of  
  
me!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: But you're gonna play Raziel. I've gotta get you a lip-o- suction and  
  
remove you're bottom jaw!  
  
Kain: Not a chance in hell!  
  
(Silveriss, Light, Concept of a Demon, and Sarryn walk in now)  
  
Kain: Good, you're all here! Now Silveriss, I've looked at all your hobbies and the kind  
  
of stuff you do and you're quite impressive. That's why I'm gonna be mean to you and  
  
make you do the lights work and the microphone work!  
  
Silveriss: What!? You'll pay!  
  
Kain: Sarryn, you're an otaku, so I'll let you do our artwork!  
  
Sarryn: Just cause I love animes and manga, you think I'm a genius at drawing?  
  
Kain: Yes, I know it's a stereotype, so that's why I'm doing this, hehehehe.  
  
Sarryn: Well, I can't make you look handsome or anything because that'd be too hard  
  
with your ugly, fat head!  
  
Kain: Hey, my head is perfectly proportioned to my body!  
  
Light in the Dark Places (aka Light): Yeah, if you're a Peanuts character.  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Oh, good one.  
  
Light: Thanks!  
  
Kain: Aw, shut up Light! I don't know what I'll get you to do, Rahab, work with Light!  
  
Rahab: Okay.  
  
Concept of a Demon: Am I right in assuming that all of you are dead?  
  
Kain: Yes...  
  
Concept of a Demon: So I can do to you stuff that would normally kill a human?  
  
Kain: Yes...  
  
Concept of a Demon: Yes!! I'm a satanist in training, who would like to be my test  
  
subject?  
  
Everyone except Melchiah: ...  
  
Melchiah: Me me me me me me me!  
  
Concept of a Demon: Yes!!  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Dumah: Can we just do this and get this over with?  
  
Kain: Okay! Everyone, get to work!  
  
(then everyone starts doing their jobs)  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) Can I borrow your phone, Razzyboy?  
  
Raziel: Whatever. (hands Kain his phone)  
  
(Kain calls Razzyboy's agent)  
  
MortalK55: Hello.  
  
Kain: This is me, Kain.  
  
MortalK55: What now?  
  
Kain: You have sent some strange people here.  
  
MortalK55: They may seem strange, but they've got a good heart. Well, except maybe  
  
Concept of a Demon, he doesn't even want a good heart.  
  
Kain: I warn you, if things get out of hand, you're dead!  
  
MortalK55: Eh, I might need to move out of town then, bye!  
  
(MortalK55 hangs up on Kain)  
  
Kain: Son of a bitch!  
  
(Meanwhile, Silveriss had climbed a 40 foot long ladder and turned on the lights. The  
  
lights were crooked so Kain went up to the top step of the ladder)  
  
Kain: Hey, the light is crooked, fix it!  
  
Silveriss: (fixes the light) There!  
  
Kain: Now, get down and do some more work.  
  
(then Kain starts going back down the ladder, laughing about ordering her around.  
  
Well, Silveriss doesn't like this, so when Kain is at the ladder and still 39 feet in the air,  
  
she flashes the light on him)  
  
Kain: (with light in eyes) HEY, I CAN'T SEE! GET THE DAMN LIGHT OUT OF MY EYES!  
  
YOU'LL MAKE ME SLIP! WHOAA!!  
  
(Kain fell 39 feet down)  
  
Silveriss: Hehe, that'll teach ya.  
  
Kain: Ow!!  
  
(well, Zephon wasn't doing much better. At least Z-F Kat unlatched and she had gotten  
  
him stylish clothes)  
  
Zephon: Hey, those look smooth!  
  
Z-F Kat: Get changed so you can try them on!  
  
Zephon: Not with you watching!  
  
(Zephon shoved her out of his dressing room, but Z-F Kat had drilled a hole in the wall  
  
like in Psycho. Zephon took off his shirt when he noticed it)  
  
Zephon: Hey, this isn't Psycho!  
  
(so he plugged up the hole. Then another was drilled in. He plugged it up. Then  
  
another)  
  
Zephon: I'm not gonna get through this alive, am I?  
  
(Zephon thinks about this predicament, then comes up with an idea)  
  
Zephon: (shouting for her to hear) WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF  
  
NOW! HOPE NO ONE'S WATCHING!!  
  
(Zephon listens and hears Z-F Kat faint)  
  
Zephon: Hehe, knew that would work.  
  
(Zephon goes out of the changing room with his clothes on and looks at Z-F Kat)  
  
Zephon: She looks so innocent when she's sleeping.  
  
(then she sprung up and latched to him)  
  
Z-F Kat: Fell for it!  
  
(all around the Pillars there was chaos. Rahab was lifting sugar above his head to tease  
  
Light and it was working till she climbed on him and got it. And Concept of a Demon  
  
was trying to perform satanic rituals on Melchiah, without much success. Sarryn was  
  
watching an anime for inspiration, and she was watching an anime called Sorcerer  
  
Hunters. Dumah sneaked up behind her and sprayed some of the Axe Deodorant on  
  
him, but Sarryn didn't notice at all. Her got pissed off and sat beside her)  
  
Dumah: This Axe stuff is junk! What is this show?  
  
Sarryn: Sorcerer Hunters!  
  
Dumah: (throws the Axe Deodorant to her) That stuff doesn't work! Why do you like  
  
anime's? They're stupid.  
  
Sarryn: NO THEY'RE NOT!! Have you sat down and watched one before?  
  
Dumah: No.  
  
Sarryn: Then watch it!  
  
Dumah: (thinking about the Axe Deodorant) Do you find me sexually appealing at all?  
  
Sarryn: (stares at him) NO!!  
  
Dumah: Stupid deodorant.  
  
(he watches the anime. And he gets pissed off because he ends up liking it)  
  
Sarryn: (after it was over) So, what do you think?  
  
Dumah: THAT WAS NEAT-O!  
  
Sarryn: Told you.  
  
Dumah: You know who I think would make the perfect couple?  
  
Sarryn: Who?  
  
Dumah: Marron and Carrot. I know it's kinda sick, but I think it could work.  
  
Sarryn: Me too!!  
  
Dumah: Well, I've got to go be mean so more. See ya. That Axe Deodorant sucks!  
  
(when Dumah is walking away Sarryn thinks since Dumah's stupid, she shouldn't listen  
  
to him so she's tries the deodorant just to see what would happen. Dumah stops)  
  
Dumah: Whoa, what's that yummy smell?  
  
(so Dumah goes over and smells Sarryn's head)  
  
Dumah: Sarryn, your head smells good.  
  
Sarryn: (just rolls her eyes)  
  
  
  
[Meanwhile, Turel was halfway to Dark Eden but he thought he would crack by the time he got there because of a hyperactive lunatic]  
  
Venris: Hey, why do people have armpits? What do they do? Why are they there?  
  
Turel: (very irritated) Don't know, don't care.  
  
Venris: Or, why do men have nipples?  
  
Turel: (PO'ed) Don't know, don't care.  
  
Venris: Are we there yet?  
  
Turel: No.  
  
Venris: Are we there yet?  
  
Turel: No.  
  
Venris: Are we there yet?  
  
Turel: (lost it) NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!! AND IF YOU SAY THAT ONCE MORE, I'LL  
  
KILL YOU, UNDERSTAND!?  
  
Venris: Yep.  
  
Turel: Good.  
  
Venris: There yet are we?  
  
Turel: ARGHHHHH!!  
  
  
  
[Well, later that day everything had come together and Kain and everyone else had done their job. Now Kain was about to test the microphone. Turel and Venris were still out]  
  
Kain: (to Silveriss) Okay, get the microphone above me. (then, in a snarky and spiteful  
  
tone) Can your handle that?  
  
Silveriss: (noticing the insulting tone) Yes I can.  
  
(so the microphone "accidentally" dropped and jabbed Kain in the eye. Kain fell down)  
  
Kain: Oh damn it!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Hehehehhe.  
  
Kain: (getting back up) OH COME ON PEOPLE, DAMNIT! FORGET IT, I'LL JUST GET MY  
  
MAKE-UP! WISE MAN, DON'T SCREW ME UP!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Okay, first I've got to give you an EKG.  
  
(so Wise Man smacks Kain's head with a hammer)  
  
Kain: Ow! What was that?  
  
Wise Man Domingo: I'll knock you out so you can stay still during the operation.  
  
Kain: Knock me out?  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Yep.  
  
(then Wise Man splashed a bucket of water on Kain's face and hit Kain with a hammer  
  
and knocked Kain out)  
  
Wise Man Domingo: That was fun.  
  
(well, Wise Man removed Kain's bottom jaw and put a lip-o-suction in him. Now,  
  
imagine is Kain was a scrawny as Raziel. Hehehe, funny looking huh? Oh, and Kian had  
  
no jaw. Then Kain awoke)  
  
Wise Man Domingo: (to Rahab) Think I should put lipstick on him? (then he sees that  
  
Kain's awake) Hey Kain.  
  
Kain: (remembering the pain) THAT'S IT!! EVERYONE OUT!! EVERYONE!!  
  
Zephon: (while getting hugged and kissed by Z-F Kat and pretending not to like it) Even  
  
Z-F Kat?  
  
Kain: YES!!  
  
(and so all the special guests left, except Venris who was still with Turel)  
  
Turel: (smelling Sarryn as she left) Wow, she smelt good.  
  
Kain: Finally, everything's back to normal!  
  
Raziel: How do you talk without a bottom jaw?  
  
Kain: Hell if I know!  
  
  
  
[The scene is now Dark Eden. Turel was carrying a huge boulder while Venris pranced around him while being weird]  
  
Venris: Hey Turel, do you wanna be friends with my pet zucchini? Just think, we could  
  
be here forever!  
  
Turel: Oh dear lord no.  
  
(then Turel purposely drops the boulder on himself)  
  
Turel: Damn, I'm not dead.  
  
(then Venris just continued talking on and on and Turel could only lay there hoping that  
  
the boulder would eventually kill him)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
Well, I hope I did a good job. And for those people that do leave reviews that wasn't in this, I've got nothing against you. Oh, and I hope I didn't insult any of the authors in this fic either. Don't forget to review! 


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Do not own LoK. Nope. Not at all. _________________________________________________________  
  
[The scene is the Pillars. Kain and the lieutenants were there (minus Turel and Melchiah; Turel was now trying to get out from under the boulder since he wasn't dieing and still being pestered) and Kain was having a "friendly and encouraging" chat with Zephon]  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) You moron! Do you know what this means!? This means we'll have to wait a while till we can start filming!  
  
Zephon: It wasn't my fault!  
  
Kain: So you're saying it wasn't your fault that the 50-foot high pool which was gonna be used as the Abyss now has a shark in it!!  
  
Zephon: Oh come on, I was gonna be like the crocodile hunter and play with the shark!  
  
Kain: And what happened??  
  
Zephon: The shark bit me! It's not my fault that animals love to bite me!  
  
Kain: YOU MORON!  
  
(then Melchiah walks up and he's wearing a uniform. Kain sees Melchiah and turns around)  
  
Kain: (relieved sigh) Finally, a break from stupidity. What's up with the uniform?  
  
Melchiah: (proud grin) I joined the Sarafan Navy.  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Melchiah: (proud smile)  
  
Kain: (heavy sigh)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
(then Kain turned back to face Zephon)  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) I think I'd rather talk to you right now.  
  
Zephon: Goody.  
  
Melchiah: What's wrong?  
  
Kain: Melchiah, you're a moron!  
  
Melchiah: Why?  
  
Kain: Don't you even know what the navy is?  
  
Melchiah: Yeah. When I asked, this nice Sarafan told me it was this group of people that goes camping and eats a lot of food and gets paid for it.  
  
Kain: Melchiah, you are so damn stupid it's unbelievable.  
  
Zephon: Yes! I'm not the stupid one!  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
(then the other lieutenants joined Kain and Kain told them about Melchiah)  
  
Dumah: What a STUPID vampire! Ahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel: Shut up Dumah!  
  
Rahab: Melchiah, are you now the stupid king? Have you de-crowned Zephon? Is Zephon no longer the Stupid King?  
  
Zephon: Hey! I'm the King alright!  
  
Rahab: There is no way that Zephon is the King of Stupid anymore.  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah! Well, once a shot my foot with a roman candle so I could see what my foot looks like when combined with a fire cracker!  
  
Dumah: I don't know...  
  
Zephon: Ah! I know a way to prove that I'm the King of Stupid!  
  
(so Zephon proves it by kicking Kain in the groin)  
  
Rahab: Zephon, you truly are the King of Stupid.  
  
Zephon: Thank you!  
  
(then Zephon he notices that being the King of Stupid is actually a bad thing. That fact is re-enforced when Kain got up and punches Zephon a few times)  
  
Kain: Okay, back to the topic at hand. We have a shark in our Abyss, Melchiah's stupid self is in the navy and Turel's still missing. What're we gonna do?  
  
Melchiah: What am I gonna do?  
  
Kain: After we film, we'll deal with your problem.  
  
(then Turel comes stumbling in and he slams the gates shut, shutting out Venris)  
  
Turel: VENRIS, SHUT UP!!!! STOP PERSTERING ME!! JUST SHUT UP!! SOMEONE HELP  
  
ME!! SHE WON'T STOP TALKING!!  
  
Raziel: Good, you're here. We can start filming!  
  
Melchiah: But what about me?  
  
Zephon; And the shark! I wanna be like the crocodile hunter!  
  
Raziel: Melchiah, you're screwed. Zephon, I'll deal with the shark.  
  
Turel: I can't act right now, I need insanity rehab.  
  
Kain: But you already have insanity. How can Rehab help you?  
  
Rahab: It's Rahab!  
  
Raziel: Hey Turel, if you cooperate, we'll let you sing.  
  
Turel: Really!? Okay!  
  
Kain: What!? I hate you Razzyboy!  
  
Raziel: Let's get this film on the role!  
  
Kain: I say that you hemorrhoid-face! Let's start this thing!  
  
[So then the filming started. But soon, Razzyboy noticed a mistake. Kain was already jawless and scrawny. So they made a new stomach and jaw for Kain and it was made of Play-doh. The scene was, of course, the Pillars. Raziel, as 'Kain' was sitting on his throne while Kain, as 'Raziel' walked torward him Raziel]  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Kain is deified. And Raziel isn't because HE SYUUUUUUUCKS!! The Clans tell tales of Kain, the nobel, kind, handsome, fearless, uber-cool hero who's better than Raziel because Raziel SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!  
  
(Raziel was starting to get pissed at Kain)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Few know the truth that Kain won the Nobel Peace Prize 5 years in a row and that Raziel won Stupid Idiot Prize 5 years in a row because Raziel SUUCKS!  
  
(Raziel was now getting really annoyed at Kain cause Kain was saying bad things about Raziel)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Kain was human once, as we all were. Kain rivaled even Fabio while when Raziel was human, he couldn't even rival Fred Savage.  
  
(now Raziel really had a hard time controlling the urge to mutilate Kain)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) However, Kain's concept for being a loving, caring, angel-like nature drove him to make a dumbass who is I, and five other dumbasses as well. But Raziel was the worse because Raziel SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!  
  
(about now Raziel wanted to castrate Kain, but Raziel couldn't during filming)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) I am stupid. Oh, I'm also Raziel, the first born out of six really stupid vampires that didn't know how to peel a banana because we're all stupid.  
  
(now Raziel had to get one of those squeezy-balloon things that help relieve stress)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) I stood with the brave hero Kain and my fellow stupids at the dawn of the empire. I had served him a millennium, which is probably why Kain is so tired of seeing my ugly face.  
  
(Raziel now had to resort to punching the arm of the throne to keep from attacking Kain)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Over time we became less George Clooney look-alike and more...stupid looking. Especially me. Kain would enter the state of metamorphosis by roling up in a ball like a butterfly and emerge with another layer of cool while I always looked stupid.  
  
(Raziel really wishes he had a Kain voodoo doll right now)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Some years after our brave and courageous master, our evolution would follow. And evolving sucked, it was painful. It was a lot like puberty. That probably explains why I, Raziel, was a late bloomer.  
  
(Dumah couldn't help but laugh at that)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Until I had the stupidity and carelessness and bastardness to surpass my master. I am such a bastard.  
  
(Kain, as 'Raziel', bent down in front of Raziel. Raziel went behind Kain and wrote on his wings)  
  
Raziel: (as himself and under his breath) Ha, now your wings are written on you SOB.  
  
(so he wrote 'Now I'm the gay one!' on his left wing and 'Now my nuts got burned off in the abyss' on the right one. Then Raziel over-violently tore the wings off, causing Kain much pain. Raziel was supposed to stop now but he liked hurting Kain and ripped some more)  
  
Kain: (as himself) Alright, stop stop stop stop!  
  
Raziel: (as himself) Sorry. Just get carried away.  
  
Kain: (as himself) Good. Idiot.  
  
(so Raziel hurt Kain some more)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) For my transgression, which was me asking how many licks to the center of a tootsie-pop which Kain didn't know because he bit it after three licks, I earned to new kind of reward...getting my butt royally kicked.  
  
(then the scene switched to the Abyss and Turel and Dumah were carrying Kain)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) There was only one possible outcome-listening to Hanson for the rest of my unlife. I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of teletubbies and lawyers-to want to rip my ears off listening to Hanson forever in The Lake of the Dead Dudes.  
  
Raziel (as 'Kain'): (clearly enjoying this way too much) Cast him in!  
  
(so Kain was casted into the 50-foot high pool, which was the Abyss, but when Kain fell into the water, he didn't fall all the way down. Instead, there was a fishing line stuck to him. This was not in the script. The water was badly burning Kain. Back on the ledge with Raziel...)  
  
Raziel (as 'Kain'): Okay, reel him in.  
  
(so Turel reeled in Kain, who was still in the fishing line)  
  
Kain: (as himself since this part wasn't in the script) OW!! THAT FREAKIN' HURT!! THAT WATER SURE AS SH** AIN'T MY FRIEND! RAZI-  
  
Raziel: Shush, I'm Kain remember?  
  
Kain: OH, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!  
  
Raziel (as 'Kain'): Quickly Turel, cast him back in!  
  
Kain: MOTHER FU-  
  
(then Turel cast Kain in the pool again. Then Turel felt a pull and Turel reeled Kain in and Kain had the shark latched to his leg)  
  
Kain: (continuing sentence from when he was in the pool) -UCKER, I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR SPLEEN!! HELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SPLEEN DOES!  
  
(then Raziel takes the shark off of Kain)  
  
Raziel: (to himself as himself) Well, that's that problem solved. (as 'Kain') Okay, cast his stupid nuts-gonna-be-burnt self in.  
  
Kain: OH, YOU STUPID SON OF A HERMAPHRODITE!! Wait a minute, did I just call myself a hermaphrodite?  
  
(then Kain was thrown into the pool and the fishing line was cut. As Kain was falling into the pool, he marrated)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire I...wait a minute! White is a color, how the hell can it burn? I, Raziel, am such a retard.  
  
(Raziel was to happy about hurting Kain to be insulted by that remark)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Unspeakable pain...hearing "MmmBop" for maybe the 100th time...time ceased to exist...only these boys who I once thought were girls and who I once thought were sexy...and a deepening hatred for flaps on coffee lids that damned me to this hell. But I don't hate Kain because I, Raziel, SUUUUUUUUCK!!  
  
(Raziel couldn't help but laugh as Kain was in pain in the water. And a scrawny, tiny, tooth-picked size Kain made Raziel laugh. And midgets in tutu's made Raziel laugh too, but that's a different story)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) An eternity passed and the Hanson CD's were fading away. That or I started hearing C. Deon, which might've been worse, but it did bring me back from the precipice of madness. The ascent has destroyed me-crap, it's decent. What the hell, they were the same thing...but yet, I lived. Even though I'm dead I live. Okay, now I'm just confused.  
  
(then Kain landed at the bottom of the pool, still in pain, and a large blue funnel appeared, which was the Elder God. Kain landed at the bottom on his head)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Ho doggy, that hurt!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): BOO!  
  
(Kain, as 'Raziel', gets to scarred that he has a heart attck in dies in Spectral, so he just reappered)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Raziel...you are worthy.  
  
Kain: (realizing that Janos was playing Elder's part) Merde d'Oh! I hate Elder God cause he's seriously got something up his butt and I hate Janos because he's a hippy. I really hate Raziel.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hey, shut up because you're now my bitch!  
  
Kain: (heavy irritated sigh)  
  
(the filming stops for now)  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
[The scene is the Sarafan Navy recruiting office. The office consisted of three very small rooms. Kain and the lieutenants walked in]  
  
Kain: (to recruiting officer) Are you the one who signed my son up for your navy?  
  
Recruiting Officer: Yep.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Recruiting Officer: He's stupid.  
  
Kain: No argument there. What's you name?  
  
Recruiting Officer: Strife Weaselhead.  
  
Kain: Well Strife Headweasel-  
  
Strife: No, it's Strife Weaselhead.  
  
Kain: Well, Strife Retardedhead, I need to un-sign up my stupid son.  
  
Strife: But Zephon didn't sign up.  
  
Kain: Not him, the other stupid one.  
  
Dumah: Yeah, Melchiah, the lesser stupid.  
  
Strife: I afraid I can't.  
  
Kain: Even if I punch you?  
  
Strife: Nope, not even if you punch me.  
  
(so Kain punches Strife Weaselhead, but Strife isn't in any pain at all)  
  
Strife: Hahaha, weakling.  
  
Dumah: (to Kain) Here.  
  
(Dumah hands Kain a paperweight and Kain throws the paperweight at Strife's face)  
  
Strife: (in pain) Ow, I think you broke my nose! Fine, I'll un-sign him.  
  
Rahab: If at first you don't hurt 'em, hit 'em in the face with a paperweight.  
  
Kain: Yeah, it just worked for me.  
  
Dumah: I wanna beat people with staplers next!  
  
Kain: Okay, everyone out of this building.  
  
Zephon: (thinks he smells blood in the office's 3rd room) Blood! Yummy!  
  
(so Zephon runs off into the 3rd room. Kain and the others were in the 1st room)  
  
Kain: I'll go get the idiot that runs around like he's constipated. You all wait for me at the Pillars.  
  
Raziel: Oaky.  
  
(they all leave and Raziel 'accidentally' locks Kain and Zephon into the tiny office)  
  
Kain: (turning the locked door, but the door won't open) I really hate you Raziel.  
  
(Zephon comes up to Kain)  
  
Zephon: What's up?  
  
Kain: We're locked in.  
  
Zephon: YAY!! NOW ME AND MY DADDY CAN BOND!! Father-Son bonds are special.  
  
Kain: I really hate you with every fiber of my being.  
  
Zephon: (hugging Kain) I love you daddy!  
  
Kain; This is gonna be a long day.  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
Arghh! This took a long time because I was starting to (gasp!) run out of ideas. But I'm sure I'll have some good ideas. Also, this part wasn't the easiest the parody. Well, I hope you liked it and don't forget to review 


	3. Trained By A Hippy Squid

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
__________________________________________________  
  
  
  
[The scene is the navy recruiting office where the last chapter left off. It is nighttime and Kain was asleep snoring loudly and Zephon was sleep- talking. He was having a weird dream]  
  
{Zephon's dream begins}  
  
[In his dream, Zephon was a Jamaican and he had Ariel, Umah, and Kain in his dream. They were all dressed as Hawaiian dancers. Even Kain. Kain walked up to Zephon, who was dancing the moonwalk]  
  
Kain: Zephon, I love what you've done to this island!  
  
Zephon: Yeah, well, what can you say? I'm a genius!  
  
Kain: You sure are! Wanna dance with me?  
  
Umah: No, dance with me!  
  
Ariel: Dance with me!!  
  
Zephon: Well damn an onyx, I sure am popular! Who am I gonna dance with?  
  
(then something Zephon always wanted to dream about suddenly appeared in his dream. It was a large container of banana pudding dressed in Hawaiian clothes)  
  
Zephon: (screams in joy) I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DANCE WITH A GIANT CONTAINER OF BANANA PUDDING!!  
  
Umah: So, who's it gonna be? Me or the pudding?  
  
(Zephon had his hand in his mouth, trying to decide)  
  
Ariel: Yeah, what can that banana pudding do for you that I can't?  
  
Zephon: This is such a hard decision!  
  
Kain: Hey, I can boogy better than Elvis! Dance with me!  
  
Zephon: (to the container of banana pudding) What's your argument?  
  
(then the container of banana pudding had a spoon shaped like a diving board appear on the edge)  
  
Zephon: DIVE INTO A LARGE CONTAINER OF BANANA PUDDING!? YOU WIN!  
  
Umah: Can I join and skinny-dip into the pudding?  
  
Ariel: Can I also?  
  
Zephon: You'll skinny-dip into the pudding with me in it!?  
  
Umah: Of course! Anything for you Zephon.  
  
Zephon: Oh yippy!  
  
Kain: Zephon, you are my hero!  
  
(then Zephon dived into the pudding. Then Ariel and Umah skinny-dipped into the pudding. Zephon was shouting in joy and then he woke up, sat up, still thinking he's in his dream, which has now ended)  
  
Zephon: YES!! YES!! MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!! YES!! YE-(then he notices that  
  
he's awake and not dreaming anymore)-OH, G'DAMMIT!!  
  
(meanwhile, Kain is asleep and he's dreaming that he's killing a bunch of stuff. Each time he sees someone, he kills the person. His dreams aren't too far from reality, huh?)  
  
Kain: (sees a person) Die!  
  
(he kills the person)  
  
Kain: Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha!  
  
(then Dumah comes up)  
  
Dumah: Kain, let's beat random people together!  
  
Kain: Well, I'll be damned and put in the fetal position, that's a good idea!  
  
(so Kain and Dumah kill people)  
  
Dumah: Dad, you're just the most super-de-duperdy dad ever.  
  
Kain: I know son, I love you!  
  
Dumah: I love you too!  
  
(then Zephon comes up. Zephon looks like Rambo)  
  
Zephon: (tough voice) I have come to tell you that I have decided to NOT be a retard and I've decided to stop pertering the hell out of you.  
  
Kain: Yes! My dream has come true!  
  
Zephon's voice: YES!! YE-OH, G'DAMMIT!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
(then that scream woke up Kain. He wasn't sure if this was still the dream or not)  
  
Zephon: Hey Kain, have you ever dreamed of being in a giant container of banana pudding with naked girls? I have, and those dream rule!!  
  
Kain: Oh crap, this is real life! Zephon's a retarded idiot again!  
  
(then they heard a sound coming from the front door of the office. A sarafan opened the door, and as soon as it was open, Kain and Zephon ran out like a bat out of hell. They eventually made it all the way to the Pillars and Kain kicked the gate open and him and Zephon walked in. Everyone was asleep)  
  
Kain: We need to find Raziel.  
  
Zephon: Why?  
  
Kain: So I can beat the crap outta him for making me spend time with you!  
  
Zephon: Don't beat him up. I think I've learned something through this whole experience. I've learned that a family needs to stick together and spend more time together because a family is special and should be treasured. That is why I am glad to have been locked in with you, because I was able to know you better and I think that has strengthened both of our relationships. Did you learn anything?  
  
Kain: (suspiciously calm) Yes, I learned something too, of great importance even. I have learned that you are a gay fruit who has watched way too many after- school specials. You annoy the hell outta me, go away.  
  
Zephon: FINE THEN!!  
  
(so Zephon ran away crying. Kain then thought of something mean to do to Raziel. The next morning, Raziel woke up and there was a tentacle wrapped lovingly around Raziel's torso)  
  
Raziel: ...AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
(then Raziel looked beside him and saw another tentacle lustfully laying on his forehead)  
  
Raziel: ...DOULBE AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(by this time everyone else was awake and getting ready to start filming. Raziel's alarm didn't go off because Kain turned off the alarm and Kain had put the tentacles around Raziel. Raziel came running in)  
  
Raziel: AHHHHHH!!!!!! I THINK THE ELDER GOD HAD SEX WITH ME!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(then Raziel fainted)  
  
Janos: What the hell?  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Hehehehehehhehe. Don't worry about it. Anyway, let's start filming.  
  
[The scene is the same scene where chapter 1 left off. Kain as 'Raziel' is standing in a blue room with a blue dreidel at the top of the set acting as that blue weird thing at the abyss (what is the blue thing anyway?)]  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I know you Elizabeth. You are worthy.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Um, I'm Raziel.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Oh. Well, I guess I don't know you THAT well. Anyway, you're worthy.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (looking at his claws) What crazy bastardness is this? What kind of pathetic, sad, horrible, terrible, worse-than-a-lawyer form do I inhabit? Death would be uber next to this stupidity!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): You did not survive the abyss Raziel, you-  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I wasn't alive to begin with ya stupid hippy! And it I didn't survive the abyss, how am I here?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Let me finish you stupid son of a wafer. I saved you from total dissolution.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I would choose something as degrading as being Michael Jackson over this existence!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): The choice isn't yours, so stop your bitching!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I am a stupid!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): You are reborn.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (pointing to the blue swirly thing above him) So that's what the blue thing is! That blue thing was a womb because that's where I came out of when I fell down here! I really am reborn!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): No you stupid idiot. Oh and you're an abomination of Kain, and now because of you, I can get no more souls and no more peace! Thanks a lot you bunghole Raziel!! That is why you need to do something for me. You need to become my Peace Weaver.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): PEACE WEAVER!!!? What are you, some kind of hippy!?  
  
(he looks around this lair that he's in and he sees 'Peace' shirts, 'Save the Trees' foundation shirts, 'Save Woodstock' shirt and 'Cheech and Chong rules' shirts)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): May the power of peace be with you. And remember, when a troubling moment comes up, remember my motto.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Which is?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): "Make love not war."  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh great, I'm stuck with a greasy hippy.  
  
(Kain as 'Raziel' wanders around a bit till he finally gets to a warp gate)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Raziel, I-  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (Elder God's sudden voice scares him) AHH!! How do you and Mortanius talk to me from anywhere?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): It's because of these all-natural cell phones that I made out of beads and coconuts.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Please someone rescue me from this hippy.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Anyway, these gates are like, totally trippin'. Yeah, these gates are pretty cool man. Yeah, you can proceed now dude.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (sarcastically) Wow, that was very informative.  
  
(so Kain walks on even further then trips and falls on his face)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (to avoid feeling stupid he comes up with an excuse) Um...I'm weak, that's why I fell.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): You are weak. You must feed.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): No duh Einstein, where'd you get that idea? Because I just said it? But I'm not hungry for blood anymore. Hey, have you got any tacos?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um...no. You are now a devourer of peace, so you get to eat rainbows. Rainbows are so peaceful.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Then why is this movie called Soul Reaver?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Cause it sounded better than "Peace Weaver 1."  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now I get to eat rainbows? Man, this is just like one big, long, annoying acid trip. I'm not the hippy.  
  
(Kain looks and instead of a soul, there is, in fact, a rainbow! This was NOT in the script, so Kain's kinda pissed off. He didn't want to look like a hippy)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): You cannot pass till you absorb the rainbow. Aren't rainbows beautiful?  
  
Kain: Janos, I will kill you over and over again.  
  
(then Dumah switched the hologram of a rainbow into a hologram of a soul)  
  
Kain: (quietly, to himself) Oh, thank you Dumah. (as 'Raziel') Stupid squid- hippy!  
  
(so Kain walks on and on and on till he gets to a platform with another platform far away)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Okay, now how the hell do I get across?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Your wings are very, very crappy. In fact, I dought you can use them to glide across this chasm! But try it anyway, cause if you fall and get hurt, I'll laugh my ass off.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Man, I didn't know squids were so sarcastic.  
  
(so Kain jumped, spread out his wings, and he flew across and landed safely)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well castrate me and twist my nipples, you made it!  
  
(then Kain walked forward and got to a ledge. Some Slaugh, which were just Vorador and Zephon with green peanuts glued to them, as in peanuts you'd find in boxes you receive from mail, were wondering around)  
  
Vorador (as 'Slaugh 1'): Wow, this place sucks!!  
  
Zephon (as 'Slaugh 2'): (sees a soul) Ooh, souls! They're my favorite food!  
  
Vorador (as 'Slaugh 1'): Of course they are, they're the only food you moron!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): What are these things!? They don't really look like anything!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): They're Slaughs. They eat souls. They're totally bogus.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (to Slaughs) Hey, those are MY souls that I'll damn to an eternity!  
  
Zephon (as 'Slaugh 2'): (holding his tounge) Hey, I've got a tongue! I wander what it does?  
  
Vorador (as 'Slaugh 1'): (to Slaugh 2) I so totally hate you. I hope some savior of Nosgoth comes along and eats you.  
  
(then Kain as 'Raziel' killed and ate Sluagh 2)  
  
Vorador (as 'Slaugh 1'): Thank you thank you!!  
  
(then Kain killed Slaugh 1)  
  
Vorador (as 'Slaugh 1 spirit'): Hey, don't kill me you sonofabitch!  
  
(then Kain ate him)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Tastes just like ribs. With a side order of French fries.  
  
(then, as Kain was gonna continue onward, the ceiling fell down and hit Kain on the head, knocking Kain out. This was not suppose to happen, so filming stopped. Turel went over to Kain and dragged Kain away)  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Turel: Well everybody, we kinda screwed up. Oh well, we've always got bloopers to show, right?  
  
Melchiah: Of course.  
  
(then Raziel rose awake)  
  
Raziel: AHHHHH!! ME NO WANT TENTACLE SEX DREAM!! AHHHH!!  
  
(then Raziel passed out again)  
  
Rahab: Oh boy. Well, let's play the bloopers, see where we went wrong.  
  
BLOOPERS  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I know you Kain, you are worthy.  
  
Kain: Wrong! The name's Elizabeth.  
  
Janos: Wow, now you're cross dressing? You're more a hippy than me.  
  
Kain: Shut up you!!  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Take 5  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (looking at his claws) What crazy bastardness is this? What kind of pathetic, sad, horrible-  
  
(then the blue dreidel fell on top of Kain)  
  
Kain: Owies!!  
  
Janos: Heh, you're a wuss.  
  
Kain: Shut up hippy!  
  
--------------------------------  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Take 9  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): PEACE WEAVER!!!? What are you, some kind of hippy!?  
  
(he looks around this lair that he's in and he sees 'Peace' shirts, 'Save the Trees' foundation shirts, 'Save Woodstock' shirt and 'Cheech and Chong rules' shirts and even a naked picture of Monica Lewensky)  
  
Kain: WHAT!?  
  
Janos: Ewww! What sick little monkey left that there!?  
  
Vorador: Sorry.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
------------------------------  
  
Take 13  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): No you stupid idiot. Oh and you're an abomination of Kain, and now because of you, I can get no more souls and no more peace! Thanks a lot you bunghole Kain!! That is-  
  
Kain: You said Kain.  
  
Janos: Oh. Did I? Sh**.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Take 14  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): No you stupid idiot. Oh and you're an abomination of Kain, and now because of you, I can get no more souls and no more peace! Thanks a lot you bunghole Kain!! That is-  
  
Kain: Say it right!! My name is Raziel dammit!!  
  
----------------------------  
  
----------------------------  
  
Take 26  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Man, I didn't know squids were so sarcastic.  
  
(so Kain jumped, spread out his wings, and the air vent that's out of camera range wasn't turned on, so Kain just plummeted painfully)  
  
Dumah: Well, at least we know the camera can't see the air vent so it looks like your flying.  
  
Kain: You had something to do with this, didn't you?  
  
Dumah: (innocent puppy-dog eyes) Now why would you say that?  
  
----------------------------  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
There, this chapter is done. I promise it'll get better. Next chapter Kain will meet Dumah's clan members! Don't know when the next chapter will end though. So, until the next chapter, see ya. 


	4. Now Kain Hates Block Puzzles

Disclaimer: Guess what? I do NOT own LoK, but if you people give me enough money, then I can bribe LoK  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
[The scene is not the Pillars. Instead, it's a rainforest in Nosgoth (I wonder if Nosgoth even has rain forests?) and Kain, the lieutenants, Vorador, Janos, are all gathered around]  
  
Dumah: Okay, why are we in a rainforest?  
  
Kain: Because the Pillars are being fumigated.  
  
Dumah: Oh.  
  
Kain: Plus, we might use this place for a set.  
  
Raziel: Like what?  
  
Dumah: I hate this place. I'm gonna walk around and piss something off.  
  
(then Dumah left)  
  
Melchiah: I like the rainforest.  
  
Rahab: Yeah, it's pretty neat.  
  
Janos: (emotional) Yeah, it's so sad that rainforests are being hunted to extinction! That's why we MUST save the rainforests!  
  
Kain: I can't stay here with you hippies, I'm gonna wander around. I hope this doesn't take to long though because I hate nature.  
  
Vorador: Yeah, I hate nature too. And I hate forests. The only forest I'd ever like is the forest belonging to Adam and Eve. Especially Eve...  
  
Kain: (evil glare)  
  
Vorador: (nervous) Um...I mean...especially Adam.  
  
Kain: O__O  
  
Vorador: Yep, he was one attractive guy. Did I just say this out loud? Uh- oh. Um, I gonna go over here.  
  
(then Kain and Vorador both wandered off)  
  
Zephon: Well, I'm safe cause I have my banana pudding!  
  
(then a monkey swings down, steals his pudding, then runs off)  
  
Zephon: HEY YOU SON OF A BITCH MONKEY, COME BACK HERE!  
  
(then Zephon ran off to chase after the monkey. Then Dumah came out from a section of forest and Dumah was panicked)  
  
Dumah: AHHH!! RUN!  
  
Raziel: What? What's wrong?  
  
Dumah: A big mean bear is trying to kill me! Save me!  
  
Rahab: What'd you do?!  
  
Dumah: All I did was hit him with a baseball bat!  
  
Turel: Well, why the hell'd you do that?  
  
Dumah: To piss it off!  
  
Raziel: I'll see if we've got any bear repellent.  
  
(then Raziel wandered off)  
  
Melchiah: What's a bear?  
  
Dumah: You don't remember?  
  
Melchiah: Nope.  
  
Dumah: (evil laugh) I know of a way that you can calm the bear down.  
  
Melchiah: How?  
  
Dumah: Kick the bear in the balls! Bears love getting kicked in the balls.  
  
Melchiah: Oh...really, okay.  
  
(then Melchiah went to kick the bear in the balls)  
  
Dumah: Hehehe, dumbass.  
  
(then Raziel came back. He was dressed as Indiana Jones, complete with a whip and hat)  
  
Turel: Dumah's in trouble.  
  
Raziel: What's going on here?  
  
Dumah: Um, nothing.  
  
(then a bear was heard then some of Melchiah limbs flew near Raziel)  
  
Raziel: I don't like you being mean to my brothers.  
  
(then Raziel grabbed Dumah and punched him)  
  
Raziel: Don't make me whip you.  
  
Dumah: (scared) Okay, okay, I'm sorry.  
  
Raziel: You'd better be. I don't wanna have to kick your butt, Indiana style.  
  
(then Janos, Vorador, and Kain came back)  
  
Janos: What the heck is all this bruhaha?  
  
Kain: Bruhaha?  
  
Vorador: We were in the middle of a very serious game!  
  
Rahab: What game?  
  
Janos: The Game of Life. I had just had a kid.  
  
Vorador: Yeah, and I had just had an affair with Kain's wife.  
  
Kain: WHAT!? Anyway, what's going on here?  
  
Dumah: I just told Melchiah to kick a bear in the balls.  
  
Kain: RAZIEL, YOU CRUEL INGRATE! Why did you tell your innocent brother to do something like that! Idiot!  
  
Raziel: But, but, but...  
  
Kain: Well, we may as well start filming since Vorador had an affair with my wife in Life!  
  
Vorador: Hehehehehe.  
  
(then the rest of Melchiah flew other to Kain)  
  
Dumah: We're starting.  
  
Melchiah: Note to self: Never listen to Dumah again.  
[The filming has started. The scene was where we left off at last time then Kain made his way to the planar portal surrounded by rocks]  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Hey, what's this?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, that's like, totally trippin', that's like, a conduit to the material realm, like it is very hip.  
  
Kain: I hate you Janos.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hey hey hey, make love, not war. Anyway, like with this thing's aid you can like, um, gather stuff and manifest in the material realm. It's like, totally uber. But it's a bummer man that it's taxed.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I have to pay to go to the material realm!?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hey man, it's like, not quite like that, man. It's taxing cause you have to be, like, totally healed, man. You require nothing to be back here dude.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Why would I come back to this dump!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' uses the planar portal and manifests himself into the material realm, where the stones surrounding the portal turn into Stonehenge)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, that was like, totally trippin', how the realm shifted, it's like, totally cool.  
  
Kain: (to himself) I really hate hippies.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Like, you need to prolong strength to like, stay here with us. It's so tubular, man. If you fail to feed or just plain get your wimpy, scrawny ass kicked one too many times, you return to the spectral realm. Spectral realm is like, a big word man.  
  
Kain: ARGHHHH, JUST GO AWAY YOU HIPPY, YOU'RE WORSE THAN MORTANIUS!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Whoa, like, just get in-touch with your inner self, man.  
  
Kain: I hate you Janos.  
  
(so Kain goes venturing further when he stops in a hallway and finds a pool of water)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Whoa man, water. Don't tou-  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yay, a swimming pool!  
  
(so Kain puts a foot in the water then takes it out)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Cold as holy frozen hell!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yeah man, if you fall into water you freeze to death. Vampires never liked hypothermia, is hurts, man. But be aware that in Spectral realm that water is light, man. It's like getting stoned, man.  
  
Kain: Janos, what the hell is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?  
  
(so Kain walked forward and stepped in the water so he was now in Spectral. He climbed out of the water hole and went to the end of the hallway where a door awaited him. He pushed the door and pulled it, but to no avail)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): The door won't open!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hahahahahahahahaha!  
  
(so then Kain pounded on the door, ran head-first into the door, kicked the door and nearly broke his foot in the process, he got a credit card to try to open it but it wouldn't work)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): So by now Raziel was beginning to get frustrated as anyone of us would.  
  
(Kain went as far as to use a quarter instead of a credit card but that didn't work either, so then he just started pounding on the door and crying like a sissy)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Okay, maybe he got more frustrated than anyone of us would.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): WAAAAAHHHHHH, IT WON'T OPEN!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well that's because objects cannot be moved around in the spectral realm.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (PO'ed) Now why in satan's sausage didn't you tell me that before!?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, because man, I like, like to watch you look stupid, man.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I really HATE YOU!!  
  
(then Kain was walking away and right behind him was a planar portal)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Hells bells, here's a portal right here.  
  
(so Kain is in the material realm again and he goes through a door. He enters a room with a swimming pool below him, a tanning machine to the right of him and a coat rack on the wall in front of him. He looks and sees two very big headed vampires with tiny little bodies and there was a Lego block behind them)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): What in the world are these creatures!? And how the hell do they balance their big, large heads on their tiny little bodies?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Like, whoa man, like they are weird. I'm glad I'm, like, not that weird, man. Like wow, do you not recognize them, man? They are, like, the children of your bro, Dumah, man.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Of course! I see the resemblance now! Just like their father, they have really big heads! But how? How in the name of chipmunks did they get like this!?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Time didn't stand still for you, man. Makes me think of that song from ABBA.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): What song by ABBA?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): You know, that message in a bottle song. Time didn't stand still for you because they were waiting for you to send them a message in a bottle, man.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You stupid, greasy hippy. ABBA didn't do that song!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um...no?  
  
(so Kain hopped down to the battlefield were the two Dumah vampires were. I wish I could remember how to spell what they were called. Anyway, Kain as 'Raziel' was getting ready to fight)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I knew there weaknesses, because I was one. Physical wounds are nothing, they just patch back up thanks to "Kain's Number-One Band-Aids"! The number one band-aids since the beginning of time. Buy them today.  
  
Janos: What was that?  
  
Kain: Oh, just advertisement.  
  
Janos: Oh.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Vampires only need to fear impalement, sunlight, or having to watch Full House all day long. I'd have to modify my tactics.  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' ties to two vampires to a chair and puts a TV in front of them and forces them to watch Full House)  
  
Vampire 1: No!! No more!  
  
Vampire 2: Hey, Sally Struthers looks cute!  
  
Kain: ?  
  
Vampire 1: Yeah, and so does the main guy who's the father. He's just as cute and funny as that guy on America's Funniest Home Videos!  
  
Kain: Alright, I can't stand this.  
  
(so Kain beat the crap outta them and their souls floated around the air)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Hey, fireflies, woohoo!  
  
(so Kain ran around trying to catch the souls like he would fireflies)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um, those aren't' actually fireflies, they're-aw, what the heck, I don't wanna spoil your fun.  
  
(well, after he somehow caught the fireflies-er souls, he noticed he was trapped. Them he saw an opening near the ceiling. He also saw the Lego block. This block puzzle looked simple enough)  
  
Kain: (muttering to himself) Well this looks simple enough, don't see why Raziel hates these so much.  
  
(well, 2 hours later, Kain still couldn't figure out how to solve this block puzzle. Someone, Kain had messed with the block so much that it was standing on its edge on top of the coat rack)  
  
Kain: I FRICKIN HATE THESE DAMN BLOCK PUZZLES!!!!!!!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hahaha, you suck!  
  
Kain: Shut up you hippy!!  
[Then, for some reason, the filming stops. And since the filming stopped, Kain went to ask Vorador (their camera vampire) why the filming stopped]  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
Kain: Yo, Vorador, why'd you stop the filming?  
  
Vorador: We ran out of film.  
  
Kain: Already!! What all is on the camera?  
  
Vorador: Um...stuff. Sex is on the film, if ya know what I mean.  
  
Kain: I really, truly hate you. You got our bloopers but not more film! Vorador, I hate you!! First you have an affair with my wife-  
  
Vorador: It was just a board game-  
  
Kain: --then you do this!! Moron!  
  
(Kain walks around the place and sees Raziel dressed as Indiana Jnoes)  
  
Kain: Why??  
  
Raziel: Because only Indiana Jones can make it out of this forest alive!  
  
Dumah: Oh yeah? (then Dumah pulls out a knife)  
  
Raziel: You call that a knife? This is a knife. (Razzyboy pulls out a machete)  
  
Turel: Um, wrong movie.  
  
Raziel: Oh, I know.  
  
(then Zephon came rushing at the lieutenants)  
  
Zephon: Good news! I got all of Melchiah's body parts!  
  
Melchiah's mouth: Woohoo!  
  
Zephon: Bad news! That stupid monkey got away with my banana pudding!  
  
Kain: Since we've ran out of film, let's leave this place and go somewhere else. I really hate nature.  
  
(so they all leave except Janos)  
  
Janos: Goodbye leaf. Goodbye tree. Goodbye grass. Goo-  
  
Kain: Hurry up you dumb hippy!  
  
___________________________________________________________  
Bloopers  
  
----------------------------  
  
Take 1 Kain (as 'Raziel'): I have to pay to go to the Material realm!?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Erm, um, err, umumum, ummy, I can't remember.  
  
Kain: I hate hippies.  
  
---------------------------  
  
---------------------------  
  
Take 5  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Why would I come back to this dump!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' uses the planar portal and manifests himself into the material realm, and there, waiting for him in the Material realm, is Hash)  
  
Hash: I have come to kill you back.  
  
Kain: Holy hell, I want back at that dump! Help me!  
  
--------------------------  
  
--------------------------  
  
Take 9  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Why would I come back to this dump!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' uses the planar portal and manifests himself into the material realm, and this time, a mascot was waiting for him)  
  
Kain: Not again.  
  
Mascot: Hi, do you know who I am?  
  
Kain: No...  
  
Mascot: I'm Bobbit, the castration chipmunk!  
  
Kain: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
(then the mascot takes off its head and it was Dumah)  
  
Dumah: Haha, fooled you!  
  
(then Kain goes off-screen and attacks Raziel)  
  
Kain: Raziel, that wasn't funny!  
  
Raziel: My daddy doesn't love me!  
  
------------------------  
  
------------------------  
  
Take 14  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): The door won't open!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hahahahahahahahaha!  
  
(so then Kain pounded on the door, ran head-first into the door, kicked the door and the door fell off)  
  
Kain: Oops.  
  
Janos: That door costed us $200!  
  
Kain: $200!? What a rip-off!  
  
-----------------------  
  
------------------------  
  
Take 23  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Of course! I see the resemblance now! Just like their father, they have really big heads! But how? How in the name of chipmunks did they get like this!?  
  
Dumah: (off-screen) Hey, I don't have a big head you sonofabitch!  
  
-----------------------  
__________________________________________________________  
  
Well, that's all for this chapter. And wow, this chapter was short, but for me it's a little bit easier to make shorter fics funnier for me. Well, I hope you liked this and in the next chapter there'll be 2 special guests (well, there probably will be, unless for some reason I change my mind) and one of the special guests is Jaons' very good friend: Chong. Well, hope you liked this chapter and don't forget to review! 


	5. High School Memories

Disclaimer: Do not own LoK but I do own...nothing you'll find in this fic  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
A/N: I always have one chapter in my parodies that's an original chapter, and although this was gonna be another parody chapter, I was having some trouble with the parody so I decided that I would do the original chapter now while I work on the parody chapter. Hope that made sense  
[The scene is the rainforest from last chapter. They were lost]  
  
Dumah: I'm hungry.  
  
Zephon: I'm thirsty.  
  
Raziel: I wanna eat a soul.  
  
Melchiah: I need glue.  
  
Turel: I need-  
  
Kain: SHUT UP!!  
  
Vorador: Great! We're lost!  
  
Kain: No we're not.  
  
Janos: At least we get to admire this lovely forest.  
  
Kain: (to Janos) Shut up you stupid hippy!!  
  
Melchiah: You know, this forest is really pretty.  
  
Kain: Crap, Melchiah is just as much a hippy now as he was in high school!  
  
Rahab: You know what we were like in high school?  
  
Kain: Of course!  
  
Raziel: What was I like?  
  
Kain: Oh, I hated you!  
  
Rahab: Tell us what we were like!  
  
Kain: Do you want the cool version or the...true version?  
  
Zephon: True version!!  
  
Kain: Okay, you asked for it.  
{[Flashback begins]}  
[The scene is a high school hallway. Kain (everyone were human at this time) walked up to his locker. Kain wore triple-thick glasses, plaid shirt, polka-dotted trousers, and almost had bucked-teeth. In other words, Kain was a nerd in high school]  
Kain: (opening the locker) I hope the frat boys didn't steal my binder again.  
  
(Kain got out his "Steve Ercle" folder)  
  
Kain: Man, Steve Ercle is my hero. I wanna be just like him.  
  
(then Kain got out his "Bill Nye the Science Guy" thermos)  
  
Kain: Bill Nye, you are the coolest science guy around.  
  
(then Kain got out his "Wishbone" lunch box)  
  
Kain: SO, what's the story Wishbone? Geeheeheeheeheehee!  
  
(then Kain's best friend came up to him. This human was wearing white spandex with white leather shorts. This human was bald. So of course, it was Melchiah)  
  
Melchiah: Hey Kain!  
  
Kain: Hey Melchiah!  
  
Melchiah: Hey, did you catch that 4-hour long report on the lifespan of quantum physics last night on TV?  
  
Kain: I sure did! That was a blast! One of the most exciting programs I've ever watched! My favorite part was when the professor said that E=mc3! That was the funniest joke ever!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah, saying that E=mc3! That was hilarious!  
  
Kain and Melchiah: Geeheeheeheehee!  
  
Kain: Hey, we need to get to class before our teacher gets mad at us!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah. You got your Steve Ercle folder?  
  
Kain: Yep. He's my hero!  
  
Melchiah: And I've got my Ross Pero coloring book!  
  
Kain: Awesome!  
  
(so Kain and Melchiah rushed into the classroom and took there seats. They sat beside each other. Then a guy with black hair and a guy with a yellow afro came in. They both had on frat jackets that were green and white with the letter "R" on them. The guy with the black hair was Raziel and the guy with the yellow afro was Moebius)  
Raziel: (to Moebius) ...and so I said "Hey guy, let me help you." Then I kicked him!  
  
Moebius: Ahahahahahahahaha!!  
  
Raziel: Yeah! "Raziel Omega Beta House" rules!!!  
  
Moebius: Yeah, gimme skin, man!  
  
Kain: Excuse me, I can't concentrate on quantum mechanics if you two are loud. Please tone down your voices.  
  
Raziel: Tone down our voices?  
  
(then Raziel stole Kain's Bill Nye thermos and threw it out the door)  
  
Moebius: Ooh, snap!  
  
Raziel: Hehehehehee!  
  
Kain: Hey, that was mine. I'd much appreciate it if you would give it back.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah, I forgot to do this.  
  
(then Raziel broke Melchiah's no.2 pencil)  
  
Melchiah: No!! I had gotten that from the science fair!  
  
Kain: Yeah, you big meany!  
  
Raziel and Moebius: Ahahahahahahahaha!  
  
(then Raziel and Moebius went to their seats, and Raziel was in the desk in front of Moebius. Then their teacher entered. He was a tall black guy with an afro and he wore black and red clothes, checkered pants, and he kind of had an attitude. This was Faustus)  
  
Faustus: Alright, shut up now!  
  
Melchiah: Hello Faustus.  
  
Faustus: Yeah! Hi!  
  
(then Kain walked up to Faustus' desk and set an apple on it)  
  
Kain: There ya go teacher.  
  
Faustus: Kain, always the teacher's favorite.  
  
Raziel: Hey Moebius, I know who we're beating up after school.  
  
Moebius: Yeah, Kain's ass is mine!  
  
Raziel: Snap!!  
  
(then Kain returned to his seat)  
  
Faustus: Okay, time for role-call! Kain!  
  
Kain: Here! (waves hand in the air)  
  
Raziel: (cough)Teacher'spet!(cough)  
  
Moebius: (cough)Analhead!(cough)  
  
Raziel: Ooh, snap!  
  
Faustus: Shut up you two before I have to he-bitch slap you! Melchiah!  
  
Melchiah: Present, sir!  
  
Faustus: I know those two fools Raziel and Moebius are here. Dumah!  
  
Raziel: He's gonna be late!  
  
Moebius: Yeah! Because we tied him on a bench and Raziel tried to pee on him!  
  
Raziel and Moebius: Score!!!  
  
Faustus: You two do anymore stupid stuff like that, then I'm sending you to Principal Magnus!  
  
Raziel: Okay. We can't help it we're rebels!  
  
Moebius: "Raziel Omega Beta House" rules!!  
  
Faustus: That does it! Moebius, to the Principal's office!  
  
(then Moebius left)  
  
Faustus: Is Rahab here?  
  
(at just that moment, Rahab came in. He didn't have a shirt on, had spiky hair, swimming trunks on, sandals on, sunglasses on and had a mini-CD player in a pocket. He was also carrying a surf board)  
  
Rahab: Yo! Peace and Buddha be with us all. Turel's comin' too dudes!  
  
Faustus: Just sit down!  
  
(Rahab took his seat in front of Kain)  
  
Rahab: Yo, Rahab not doin time, comin in time, makin a rhyme!  
  
Faustus: Okay, just shut yo' stupid mouth boy!  
  
Rahab: Man, I can't believe that Baywatch wouldn't except me. Oh well, it's all in a constant state of one-ness and keeping it Buddha-like!  
  
Raziel: Yo', surfin' pretty boy, what the hell you talking bout!? Oooooh, snap! I gotcha!  
  
Faustus: Shut up Raziel!  
  
(then Turel entered. He was almost 7 feet tall, were stripped overalls, a red and yellow stripped shirt, black hair in a blue headband and a ruler resting on one of his ears)  
  
Turel: People, it's me, Turel!  
  
Kain: Hey Turel!  
  
Turel: Hey, it's Kain and Melchiah! What's up guys!  
  
Melchiah: Wow! With that fashion sense, you're gonna get all the girls!  
  
Turel: Well well well, what can I say? They're gonna be all over me like catnip!  
  
Faustus: Okay now people, shut up!  
  
(Turel sat in the seat in front of Melchiah)  
  
Faustus: Ok, for today's lesson-  
  
Kain: Hey teacher, what about Zephon?  
  
Faustus: He's not in this class.  
  
Kain: Then what class is he in?  
[The scene is now inside of the Nursery class, or whatever it is]  
(Umah still looks a lot like she did in Blood Omen 2. In fact, she's wearing the same clothes, only now her hair's in a green mohawk and she has lots of piercings)  
  
Umah: Hey woman teacher, now tell me again just why lots of girls come to this class? It gives the impression that girls are stereotypes! And I aren't! People say, just because I'm considered jail-bait, that I be bad!  
  
(Ariel had on a dress and she had legs now! And a side of her face was completely covered because she messed up her make-up by setting her hair on fire. Ariel was also a smart-ass)  
  
Ariel: Well, let's see? You're bad because you look like a slut, dress like a slut, and you are a slut!  
  
Umah: Hey hey hey, don't make me whip you!  
  
(Zephon was in this class as well. He was the only guy in the class and he was a bit more girlish than the girls)  
  
Zephon: Please girls, stop this fighting! It's not very good!  
  
(then another female, Hash'something'something was actually a human female before she became a demon)  
  
Hash: Hey, this class is neat-o! I wanna nurse a baby!  
  
Zephon: Me too, won't that be super!  
  
Zephon and Hash: (giggles like little girls)  
  
Ariel: (to Zephon) Hey girlyboy! Do you have a perm? Do you? Get outta here!  
  
Hash: Leave him alone, he's very sensitive!  
  
Zephon: Yeah, I'm not wanted anywhere!  
  
(then Zephon runs out the room crying)  
  
Umah: Yo, yo, you gotta lighter?  
  
Ariel: Slut!  
  
Umah: Why? Cause I dress diffrently? Cause I got mohawk? Cause I whip people?  
  
Hash: Girls, please settle down!  
  
Ariel: Wow, Hash wants peace! She's such a hippy!  
  
(then Zephon came back with a box of tissues)  
  
Zephon: Stop making fun of me!!  
  
Umah: Yo!  
  
Zephon: Let's discuss babies!  
  
Hash: Yay! Let's have team spirit!  
  
Zephon: (jumping in the air) Team spirit hooray!!  
  
Ariel: Team spirit, boo!  
  
Umah: Team spirit is a girl on a pole!  
  
Hash and Zephon: (girlish giggling) Go team! Yay! We have spirit!  
  
Ariel: (to Umah) Well, hello girlfriend, girls on poles are sluts!  
  
Umah: Whatever!  
  
Zephon: Girls, let's settle down! I hate it when we fight!  
  
Hash: Yeah, it's scary! Let's talk about babies!  
  
Zephon: They are so cute!  
  
Zephon and Hash: (girlish giggling)  
[The scene is now back at Kain's classroom. The girlish giggling can be heard because the two classrooms are next to each other]  
Raziel: (irritated sigh) That Zephon is just one step away from being a girl...  
  
Faustus: Shut up boy, I'm tryin' to teach you! And if you don't respect people, then I'LL tie you to a bench and pee on you!!  
  
Raziel: Okay.  
  
Kain: Hehehehee, Raziel is unsmart! I bet he doesn't even know 3 times 19,000 divided by 456 to the square root of 9!  
  
Melchiah: Ooh, Snapple! Heeheehee!  
  
Kain: Hahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel: Dorks!  
{[Flashback ends]}  
Kain: Raziel, I hate you.  
  
Raziel: We were like that in high school?  
  
Rahab: I was one with one-ness?  
  
Zephon: So that's why I have a girlish giggle.  
  
Turel: Wow, I was cool.  
  
Dumah: You SOB Raziel, you pee'd on me!  
  
Raziel: Oh, I wish I could remember that.  
  
Janos: Okay, let's get going.  
[So they walked on out of the forest, Kain making Raziel carry all of the props and everything]  
  
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Well, I usually update 'I Love Meat' really quickly when I get done with the Kain Presents chapters, but you won't hear from me for a week because I'm going snow skiing! Sounds fun! Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter and if you liked it enough, I might even make this into its own fic! Well, hope you liked the fic and see ya until next chapter! 


	6. Psychodelic Squid, Man!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters, but I do own this stupid parody  
  
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A/N: The fic you are about to read has segments taken from a game called "Soul Reaver 1". There rest of the fic was written by these idiots (Zephon and Chong appear), who, through the miracle of dressing people up like total tits (pardon my French), has transformed Kain into Raziel! Warning, this fic may be a little ridiculous!  
  
((The scene is a shack in the middle of a jungle. Kain hates nature. Whenever Kain sees nature, he just has this unnatural urge to eat Bambi. Anyway, Kain, the lieutenants, Janos and Vorador enter the shack. Inside Janos sees his old friend: Thomas Chong))  
  
Janos: Chong, how long has it been man!?  
  
Chong: Wow man, you're like, blue man. That's like, psychedelic man!  
  
Kain: Oh sh**! I'm stuck here with a greasy hippy.  
  
Chong: Did you say Grease, man? That movie was like, music to my ears man.  
  
Zephon: Ooh, I always wanted a hippy of my own!  
  
Chong: Who's the green dude?  
  
Vorador: Hey, this is a hippy right? That means hippies have drugs! I've been craving drugs!  
  
Kain: (smacks Vorador on the head) Drugs are horrible you green, pointy- eared, perverted, diarrhea-colored freak!  
  
Chong: (points at Kain) Hey, I'll tell you a secret ugly dude! I know this isn't immediately noticeable, but I've indulged once or twice myself, man.  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Fantastic.  
  
Raziel: We're stuck with a hippy.  
  
Kain: Shut up ingrate, I'd rather be with this hippy than you.  
  
Raziel: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! (that's Razzyboy's deranged version of crying. Then Raziel ran out of the room crying)  
  
Dumah: Aw, you know how sensitive and all-around wussy that blue moron is!  
  
Chong: (to Kain while pointing at Dumah) Hey man, you can't park your van in my house, man.  
  
Kain: That is not a van, that is my son Dumah. Even though he's a fatass.  
  
Chong: (giggles) Oh, so it's just a fat vampire!  
  
(then Chong sees Gumby walk in right beside Kain)  
  
Chong: Hey, it's the clay dude! He comes by everyday and gives me stashes man!  
  
(Kain looks beside him and sees nothing. It's obvious Chong is seeing things)  
  
Kain: Janos you fat ugly woman, I hate you for bringing me here. I'm getting a drink!  
  
(so Kain goes and gets a drink. But Kain gets drunk. So while Janos and Chong are catching up on old times, Vorador's searching for porn or corn--)  
  
Vorador: Because porn and corn rhymes! ^__^  
  
(--perverted git. Turel is reciting poetry to a tree and Zephon is talking to a drunk Kain)  
  
Zephon: So Chong and me can write the rest of the script?  
  
Drunk Kain: UBER!! SUGAR SUGAR, ME NEEEEEEEEEED SUGAR! YIPPE YAY!  
  
Zephon: Excellent.  
  
(so the next day Kain wakes up with a horrible hangover. Everyone else had gotten drunk too. Which is probably why Rahab was lying on Kain in a rather...disturbing way. Kain punched him awake and got up)  
  
Kain: Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!! Must take shower!  
  
(so Kain takes a shower. A few seconds after he turns the water on, everyone else gets woken up by hearing "FU** A DONKEY!! BURNS LIKE A FU**ING BURNY THING!")  
  
Raziel: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! My daddy's stupid!  
  
Melchiah: Hey, where's Zephon?  
  
(sure enough, Zephon was missing. And so was Chong. Then Kain stalked in all burnt like a grilled steak. Quite yummy, grilled steaks. Then Zephon and Chong walk in holding costumes)  
  
Zephon: Got the script done!  
  
Chong: And the costumes, man!  
  
Kain: What the hell is going on?  
  
Zephon: No time to explain, let's just start filming!  
  
((Kain now wishes he hadn't gotten drunk the other day. He read Zephon's truly stupid script and now Kain, who looks ugly and stupid enough without a stomach or bottom jaw, just got to look dumber. Apparently, Zephon decided it would be cool is 'Raziel' in the movie was part dachshund, so Kain as 'Raziel' had a long snout glued to his nose, big floppy ears taped to his head and a spring glued to him as a tail. The scene was outside of the Sanctuary of the Clans))  
  
Kain: (muttering to himself) I look so g'damn stupid. I mean seriously, what's the king of Nosgoth doing looking like some stupid dog! I haven't looked this stupid since that time I got drunk and dressed up as Selphie!  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Razzy-man, I-  
  
Kain: AHH SH**! You could at least warn me before you yell out at me!  
  
Chong: Woah man, I'm a God! I can make stuff out of stuff! I can make Nosgoth-stock!  
  
Kain: Please tell me the camera isn't rolling...  
  
Dumah: (off-screen) It is!  
  
Kain: Cripe.  
  
(then Kain as 'Raziel' looks at the Sanctuary of the Clans set. It was covered in tye-dye)  
  
Kain: My god! (as 'Raziel') Ahem. The Sanctuary of the Clans reduced to being the...(reads the graffiti which tells the name of the place)...Hip Pussy Dance Club! (to himself) Zephon, I'll kill you.  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Hip huh, Razzy-man?  
  
Kain: I hate you all. (as 'Raziel') Behind these stupid looking tye-dye walls is the Pillars of Nosgoth.  
  
(then Kain looked through a hole in the wall that wasn't supposed to be there. Through the hole he could see Raziel dressed as Kain dancing erotically on a pillar. After a few seconds, Raziel finally noticed Kain)  
  
Raziel: Oh sh**!  
  
(then Raziel ran away. Then Kain went back to saying his lines)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): How stupid the Sanctuary appeared compared to its former glory. It used to be a place of great respect, but now it was a place of great...hmm, how about saying that this place was now a retreat for whores? Yeah, that'd be right.  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): That and a pretty sweet place for a joint Razzy- man!  
  
Kain: I hate everything. (as 'Raziel') Besides, what the hell happened here anyway?  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): While you were gone, hippies invaded and they easily won. They would go around and eat all the food, spray paint about peace and love and stole all the toilet paper.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Stealing toilet paper?  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Then one of the leading hippy vampires gave Kain a diarrhea- inducing pill, so Kain had to give into demands and now hippies scourge the Pillars.  
  
Kain: (to himself) This has gotten so damn stupid that it's ridiculous.  
  
(then Kain feels the setting shake)  
  
Kain: WHOA HELL, WHAT WAS THAT!?  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Probably something you'd never expect.  
  
(then Magnus and three other vampires that look exactly like him spring into the picture. They were all wearing red)  
  
Magnus: No one expects the Magnus Inquisition!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Uhh...  
  
Magnus: No one expects the Magnus Inquisition! MEAT!  
  
Magnus 2: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 3: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 4: VEGETABLE!  
  
Magnus 3: VEGETABLE!? WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S MEAT!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That's it. I've had enough of this stupidity.  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' just walks away while the Magnus Inquisition argue about vegetables, meat, the price of tea in Nosgoth, and whether pork chops grew on trees or not. While Kain was walking along, he spotted a spear)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I need to become a javelin master!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' picked up the javelin and threw it as far as possible. Meanwhile, an innocent vampire was singing about waffles)  
  
Vorador as 'Innocent Vampire': Yuuumm yuuumm yuuumm  
  
Ooh, waffle  
  
Ooh, waffle  
  
and gimme syyyyyrupp  
  
well, because baby, waffle me baby!  
  
Everyone!  
  
Waaaaaffle,  
  
put on syyyyyrupp  
  
yesum syrup baby,  
  
waffle me baby!  
  
Everyone, with me now!  
  
Waaaaaaffle  
  
and syruppppppppp  
  
it's so tastyyyy  
  
waffle and syrup baby!  
  
Waaaaf-  
  
(then Innocent Vampire got stopped because a javelin inconveniently got lodged through his larynx)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Did I just hear a scream?  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' ran over to the dead Innocent Vampire, but Kain as 'Raziel' pulled the javelin out before eating the soul and the Innocent Vampire sprung back to life)  
  
Innocent Vampire: Thanks for saving me! Than-  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (screams like a castrated man) AHHHHHH! You're supposed to be dead!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' stabs Vorador as 'Innocent Vampire' again)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): There. Now you're dead...  
  
(so Kain takes out the javelin before sucking the soul and Vorador as 'Innocent Vampire' sprung to life again. So Kain again screamed like a pansy and killed him again. This went on for five minutes. After the fifth minute, Kain started running in circles and whining though he looked kinda gay)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (in between tears of sissyness) Waaaahhh! Why won't you die! Waaahhh, this is impossible! Waaahhh!  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Woah man! You're, like, crying like a big ugly lady, man!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (still whinning like a baby) BUT HE WON'T DIE!!  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Dude, you've got to suck his soul first, man.  
  
Kain: (as 'Raziel'): Oh.  
  
(so Kain sticks a straw into Vorador's body and starts drinking he soul)  
  
Kain: (as 'Raziel'): (while drinking) Sllllluuuurrrrpppp!!  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Whoa man, must you slurp?  
  
(when Kain is done he lifts his head and has a soul-mustache-it's like a milk mustache, only green)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Got soul?  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' wanders around and finally gets to the abyss)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Hey! A swirly thing! Are swirly things good?  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Yeah man. The swirly thing is like, totally psychedelic man.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Woah.  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Take a dip man. It won't hurt.  
  
Kain: (as 'Raziel'): Really!?  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Would I lie to Razzy-man?  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' shrugs and jumps into the abyss)  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Hehehehehee, what a dumbass man!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (off-screen) Hey, this hurts man! It's like my ass is getting multiple carpet burns!  
  
(then the Magnus Inquisition walks up to the abyss)  
  
Magnus: I'm SURE you didn't expect the Magnus Inquisition! MEAT!  
  
Magnus 2: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 3: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 4: VEGETABLES!  
  
Magnus 2: IT'S MEAT YOU LOONY! AND IF YOU SAY VEGETABLE ONE MORE TIME I  
  
WILL CUT YOUR TONGUE OFF AND FEED IT TO YOUR NIPPLES!  
  
Chong (as 'Elder God'): Hey mans, there's meat in that abyss.  
  
Magnus: MEAT DOWN THERE!? COME ON MAGNUS INQUISITION, INTO THE ABYSS! MEAT!  
  
(then Magnus, Magnus 2, Magnus 3 jump into the abyss. Magnus 4 stays on the  
  
platform)  
  
Magnus 4: ANY MEAT OR VEGETABLES?  
  
Magnus 2: (off-screen) I THINK I'VE FOUND SOME MEAT!  
  
(then Magnus 2 bites himself)  
  
Magnus 2: (off-screen) EEEKKK! MAYBE NOT!  
  
Magnus 3: (off-screen) HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! THIS BURNS!  
  
Magnus: (off-screen) OH YEAH! AAAAAAHHHH!  
  
Magnus 2: (off-screen) WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD!  
  
(then Magnus 4 walks away very smug since he didn't fall for the trap)  
  
Magnus 4: OH, AND ONE MORE THING! VEGETABLES!  
  
((And so here, the filming stopped. The scene is now the shack where Chong lives and Kain's dropping rocks on Zephon's head, but Zephon's head is so hard that Zephon just sitting down looking stupid. Kain is still dressed as a half-dachshund))  
  
Kain: You ruined my script!  
  
Zephon: You said I could!  
  
Kain: I was drunk!  
  
Zephon: So?  
  
Kain: You dressed me up like a half-dachshund!  
  
Zephon: Yes, but that makes sense! You're a half-dachshund on purpose! Only your half-dachshund powers can save Nosgoth now!  
  
(so Kain gives up and smashes a rock on his own head, knocking him into blissful unconsciousness)  
  
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Bet you forgot all about this fic huh? Well, I'm still gonna continue this fic, but it took me so long because I wanted to think of new weird funny stuff to put in here that hasn't been overused and that's hard to do since everyone has snatched up truly hilarious ideas for their parodies! But I'll try to get this updated again before two months, it's just hard finding good original ideas. Oh, and don't worry, the bloopers will return. Maybe by next chapter, but I couldn't do it here because I didn't have enough to work with. Well, I'll see when I can update again, and, as usual, R & R! 


	7. The Evil Gap

Disclaimer: Why do I even have to do this? I know I don't own nothing, you know I don't own nothing. Guess what? I still don't own nothing (except purposely bad grammar)  
  
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((The scene is the Pillars. Faustus has just got done fixing the place up and now everything looks pretty and frilly. Oh, and the entire place was painted pink with frilly carpets))  
  
Faustus: (loving sigh) This place is just so pretty. I surely am an artiste!  
  
(then Kain and the lieutenants return, minus the hippy Chong. Chong got stoned and wandered into a trash compactor. Kain saw the place and shrieked)  
  
Kain: (little sissy shriek) Gyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! The Pillars!!  
  
Faustus: How do you like the place? I think it's purty.  
  
Melchiah: But everything's bright pink!! I'm gonna go blind!  
  
Faustus: Oh come on! I painted the entire place myself! This is the first victim of my Beauty Service. With my Beauty Service, I make things nice and pretty.  
  
Kain: (shrieking like a eunuch) Gyyyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! The Pillars!!  
  
Dumah: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna look pretty!  
  
Faustus: I even thought I'd make you vamps a dog house.  
  
Raziel: But we don't HAVE ANY DOGS! Or wood!  
  
Faustus: I know you don't have any dogs, but I thought a bright blue dog house would make the place have more of a Victorian atmosphere.  
  
Turel: Who in the world builds stuff with wood in Nosgoth?  
  
Faustus: (while applying lipstick) No need to worry. I called the Jesus Carpenter Service.  
  
Kain: (shrieking like a boy band member) Gyyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! The Pillars!!  
  
Dumah: Can I look pretty?? Please??  
  
Melchiah: Me too! I need more hair!  
  
Faustus: Why sure.  
  
Kain: FAUSTUS!! Get the hell out! Go! Go now you ugly, punk-ass, pretty-boy dumbass!  
  
(so Kain boots Faustus out of the Sanctuary of the Clans)  
  
Dumah: Buu-uu-uu-uut Kaaaaaiiiinnnnn! I wanted to look pretty!  
  
Melchiah: And I wanted a wig! I'm so bald that if you put a magnifying glass over my head, the light would reflect and burn things!  
  
Kain: (caring voice) Dumah, as your loving father, you can rest assured that you'll always be ugly and Melchiah will always be bald. Oh yeah, he'll also always be ugly. I'm telling you this because I care.  
  
Dumah: (with a touch of hope in his voice) Really? You really care?  
  
Kain: No, not really.  
  
Dumah: (while running away crying) I'M GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT!!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah! And I'll have a full head of hair as pretty as a garden of flowers!  
  
Zephon: And I'll marry some banana pudding!  
  
Kain: WHY ARE ALL OF MY LIEUTENANTS RETARDS??  
  
((so, to release some frustration, Kain decides to start filming the movie. Unfortunately, instead of the dark, gothic atmosphere, everything has a more preppy, upbeat and friendly atmosphere thanks to everything looking pink and frilly. Kain as 'Raziel' was on the platform above the abyss))  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (looking over the ledge) Yep, the abyss is still there.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, duh, man. What did you think it would do, stand up and walk away?  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, because I, Raziel, am such a stupid retard!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yeah, Raziel's a RETARD!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, I, Raziel, am the retardiest retard in the whole history of retardedness!  
  
(Raziel, who was backstage, was fuming. He REALLY wished that he had a hacksaw)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Sooooooo...how do I get across to my clan? It's on the other side of this gap!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, you have two options. Option one is to jump in the air, spread the remnants of your wings, allowing you to glad across to safety onto the other ledge.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): ...and Option 2?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Option 2 is to jump out into the middle of the gap, scream, fall into the abyss and die!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (deep thought) Hmmmmm, glide to safety or die? Glide to safety or die?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Oh come ON! It isn't that hard of a decision!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes it is! I've chosen Option 2! It sounds like a good decision to me!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow Raziel, you sure are RETARDED!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, that's me! Unlike my uber-cool, ultra smart, super badass dad Kain, who is not retarded at all!  
  
(Kain couldn't help but let out a small giggle when he heard Raziel shouting out obscenities at him from off-screen)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Option 2!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' ran, jumped of the cliff and made sure he stopped in mid-air half the way across from safety)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Eep. Gyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!  
  
(then he fell into the abyss and was dying)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while inside the abyss) Hey, wait a minute. THIS HURTS!! Owyyyy!! I didn't know dying would hurt!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): (over Kain's shouts of pain) Raziel is such a moron.  
  
(then a few minutes later, Kain as 'Raziel' stomps back to the ledge)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That wasn't funny!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heehee, yes it was!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?  
  
(luckily for him, Gnorwdab the vampire had invented, what he called, the Fly Scooter 50,000. The Fly Scooter was said to be able to fly up into the air)  
  
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): I am a genius! I have created a flying scooter using only a piece of cheese, half a chalk, a piece of string, a whale, a can of Lysol, and Asprin!  
  
(the scooter was meant to look badass and cool, but since this film's budget was $20, an improvement over the last film's budget, the scooter didn't look like a scooter. Kain couldn't afford a scooter for the movie, so this scooter was really a bent pipe with training wheels tied on)  
  
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!  
  
(Kain as 'Raziel' was contemplating what to do when he saw Zephon as 'Gnorwdab' scooting past him and he flew off the ledge! But there's no such thing as a magical scooter so he fell to his death. Kain as 'Raziel' caught the magical scooter)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, there's a magical scooter for you.  
  
Kan (as 'Raziel'): Yeah. Damn, what were the odds of that?  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' also rode on the scooter into the abyss and it didn't fly!)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, Razzyboy must be REALLY stupid to do that after seeing the other guy die.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) It burns! It burns! OH THE HU-MA- NI-TY!!!  
  
(minutes later Kain as 'Raziel' walked back up to the ledge after dying)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That was NOT funny!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heeheehee, you're so stupid!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): No I am not!! I'll find a way across! You'll see!  
  
(then the screen fades away and then faded back in and there was a large wooden catapult on the ledge with the words ACME taped to it and it had wheels. Kain was sitting in the catapult)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you stupid omnipotent squid. I eat squids like you for breakfast.  
  
(he's about to cut the rope)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): For king and country!!  
  
(he cuts the rope, and instead of hurling him across the gap, the scoop thing that he was sitting on was flying downwards, heading towards the ground on the edge of the ledge. Kain as 'Raziel' saw this)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MOTHER FU-  
  
(SLAM!!)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (with him face buried in the ground) Fwell, fwat coudn't haf gone worf.  
  
(then the catapult scooted forward cause of the wind and Kain got squished and stuck to the wheels and then the catapult fell off the ledge into the abyss, taking Kain with it)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) MOMMY!! The pain! The paaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnn!!  
  
(then the scene fades to black, and when it faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was standing on the ledge with a rocket tied to his back with the words ACME on it)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What is it this time?  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, when I light this rocket, the propulsion will rocket the across the gap and into the cave that leads me to my clan area!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I REALLY think this is a bad idea.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Nonsense! All of my plans are excellent!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What about the catapult?  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): SHUT UP, YOU!! They are all good, but they aren't executed properly, that's all.  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um...  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Watch science in motion! (then he lit the rocket)  
  
(BOOM!! You guessed it, the rocket blew up on Kain's back, severely charcoaling him. But Kain as 'Raziel' would never let the Elder God know he was right)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Um...(trying to think of an excuse) I meant to do that!  
  
(then Kain as 'Raziel' crawled up into a little ball and the scene faded black. When the scene faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was wearing fake bat wings with the word ACME taped on it)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Razzyboy, you should really stop. You are an embarrassment to vampires everywhere.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You mean Bat-Raz?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Why does my reaver of souls have to be retarded?  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, with these bat wings, I can fly to the other side in safety!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I hope I'm not the only one noticing that you actually had wings.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, but are they mock-bat wings? Now watch Bat-Raz fly!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' jumped off the ledge and flapped the wings several times and surprisingly enough, he was flying!)  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, I can't believe that actually worked. Just be careful about where you're going.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I'm gonna fly into the cave that leads to my clan area. I have a perfect sense of direction, I don't need to be caref-  
  
(SLAM!!)  
  
(Kain as 'Raziel' had slammed right into a wall to the left of the cave and he was kinda stuck on the wall)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oww!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): See? That was a stupid idea.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Gyyyyyyeeeehhhh!! Get me back in the wall!!  
  
(but it was too late. Kain as 'Raziel' plummeted into the abyss)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (in the abyss) Paaaiiiinnn!! Wwwhhhhyyyyy!!  
  
(the screen then faded away. When it faded back in, we see a very desperate looking Kain standing on the ledge overlooking the gap)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MMMoooooommmmyyyy!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Moommy?  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (whiny voice) Shut up!  
  
(Kain hopped up and down annoyed, and also kinda dance in place, but that was just him having a gay looking fit)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): There must be a way across!!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I know! How about you taking a running leap!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (outraged) What do you think I am!? STUPID?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yes.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (calm again) Oh. Well, in that case, I might as well try it.  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!  
  
(just then, the cave's ledge that Kain was standing on, gave away. So Kain as 'Raziel' fell once again into the abyss)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while burning in the abyss) Waaaahhhhh!!  
  
(the screen faded out and faded back in and it showed Kain as 'Raziel' bravely gliding across to safety and ran into Raziel's clan area. He was giddy with excitement; he had just gotten past that accursed evil gap. Nothing could stop him now)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Ahahahahahahahahaha!! I have FINALLY made it past that stupid GAP bad into my CLAN AREA! Now what Elder God!? Ahahahahaha!!  
  
(then, all of a sudden, a Dumah-vampire, whose names I forgot, threw a spear into Kain's as 'Raziel's chest and he died. Then he found out that the nearest planar portal was right on the ledge leading to the abyss)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Aw, damnit!!!  
  
((The lesson? Never tempt a god. Especially not the Elder God. Well, Kain decided that that was enough filming for the day so the filming stopped. Kain decided he had pissed Raziel off enough for one day))  
  
(Raziel was quietly walking around the still pink and frilly Pillars and was carrying a shotgun. Then, Dumah snuck up on him and made him scream)  
  
Raziel: (startled yell) Googlaboma!  
  
Dumah: What?  
  
Raziel: That was my scream. Anyway, what do you want?  
  
Dumah: What're you doing?  
  
Raziel: Be very, very quiet. I'm hunting Kain.  
  
Dumah: But you can't.  
  
Raziel: Why not?  
  
Dumah: Because Kain isn't in season. You can only hunt Kain if it's Kain Season.  
  
Raziel: Then what season is it?  
  
(Dumah let Raziel to one of the pretty looking Pillars and a piece of paper on the Pillar of Conflict said 'Raziel Season')  
  
Raziel: Wha-what?  
  
Dumah: Yep.  
  
(Raziel rips the paper off, revealing 'Kain Season'. Then Dumah ripped that off with a sheet saying 'Raziel Season.' So Raziel ripped that off to a page saying 'Kain Season.' They kept doing this)  
  
Raziel: Kain Season!  
  
Dumah: Raziel Season!  
  
Raziel: Kain Season!  
  
Dumah: Raziel Season!  
  
Raziel: Kain Season!  
  
Dumah: Raziel Season!  
  
Raziel: (losing his patience) Kain Season!  
  
Dumah: Kain Season!  
  
Raziel: (patience totally lost) That's it! It's Raziel Season and frickin' shoot me now!!  
  
(so Kain, who was on top of the Pillar, blew Raziel's head off, making Raziel fall into the Spectral Realm)  
  
Raziel's Head: I really HATE YOU ALL!!  
  
(and then Turel walks up to the scene. It's strange because only Raziel can go to the Spectral Realm, but Turel comes anyway. He's wearing a sharp-looking tuxedo)  
  
Turel: And now for something completely different. The screw-ups.  
  
BLOPPERS (or SCREW-UPS)  
  
----------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?  
  
(but instead of Zephon riding the crappy scooter into the scene, something totally unexpected happened. Four Magnuses shot out onto the scene in scooters and circled Kain, then they got off and walked in circles around Kain)  
  
Kain: Oh no! It's the Magnus Inquisition!!  
  
(but now the Magnus Inquisition looked different. They were painted orange, their bald head's painted green and they were in overalls. They started singing)  
  
Magnus Inquisition (all 4 of 'em):  
  
Oompa oompa oompadeday  
  
We will sing you a riddle today!  
  
Magnus 1: What do you get when you cross a lazy SLOB! (the words SLOB appeared)  
  
Magnus 2: Who has less brains than an eaten HOB-NOB! (word HOB-NOB appeared)  
  
Magnus 3: You will get a movie that's destined to fail! (word FAIL appeared)  
  
Magnus 4: All cause it wasn't...directed...by...Marcus!!  
  
Magnus 3: (deep, low voice) It doesn't help that Kain's a prick!  
  
Magnus Inquisition:  
  
Oompa oompa oompalilay  
  
Oompa oompa oompadiday!  
  
Magnus 1: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 2: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 3: MEAT!  
  
Magnus 4: ROOT VEGETABLE!  
  
(then the four rode off of the set)  
  
Kain: I really am beginning do dislike those guys.  
  
-----------------------  
  
-----------------------  
  
Take 5  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!  
  
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you-  
  
(then, Faustus walked onto the screen)  
  
Kain: What's up with all of these INTERRUPTIONS!?  
  
(Faustus turns to the camera)  
  
Faustus: Hello y'all people. Now I bet you people watching this movie are wandering 'Yo Faustus, how can I be as pretty as a baby's bottom?' Well, now you can with my newly opened Faustus' Beauty Parlor!  
  
Kain: Faustus, you get your girly ass out of here!  
  
Faustus: See? Even he realizes as just my butt as beautiful!  
  
Kain: (glare of disbelief)  
  
Faustus: I can make ANYONE beautiful! Here's just one satisfied customer!  
  
Kain: We're working on a film here!  
  
(Moebius steps in. He is wearing a pink tutu, brown house slippers, and a ballerina t- shirt)  
  
Moebius: Hey. Before I found out about Faustus' Beauty Parlor, I was probably the oldest and ugliest hag ever. But now I feel pretty again! Thanks Faustus!  
  
(Moebius smiles showing his teeth and then he leaves)  
  
Faustus: So remember my slogan: "I can make you look pretty no matter how butt-ugly you are!"  
  
Kain: I hate all vampires. I'm beginning to think that the Sarafan had the right idea...  
  
-----------------  
  
-----------------  
  
Take 7  
  
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!  
  
(Kain was about to get ready to play his part when he heard a lot of crashing, screams of pain, and lots of cursing)  
  
Kain: Zephon, it's just a frickin' pipe with wheels!! How hard is it to get on!?  
  
(Kain heard more loud bangs and crashes and even:)  
  
Zephon: (off-screen) Owies, that was my goody-goodies!!  
  
(so Kain just stood there waiting and saw a wheel fly onto the set and Zephon was crawling onto the set with the "scooter" lodged on top of him)  
  
Zephon: (whinny voice) It ran over me!!  
  
----------------  
  
----------------  
  
Take 13  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him. Unfortunately for Kain, Janos was in a yellow submarine in the Abyss. Janos loved his yellow submarine; he considered it really trippy while he listened to the Beetles. But just then Kain fell on the wind-shield)  
  
Kain: OOF!!  
  
Janos: Odd...someone seems to have pasted a Kain on my wind-shield.  
  
-----------------  
  
-----------------  
  
Take 17  
  
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)  
  
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!  
  
(now, the ledge Kain was on was supposed to give away, but Dumah installed a real boulder in the cave to play a prank on Kain with. So then the boulder rolled at Kain Indiana Jnoes-style)  
  
Kain: Oh crap on a stick.  
  
(SQUISH!)  
  
----------------  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Finally updated this! I meant to update this MUCH sooner, but I got severely side-tracked (in other words, I got lazy. Couldn't stop playing NBA Street and Silent Hill 3) so I hope I'll get my Soul Reaver 3 updated soon (with this, I just gotta think of a funny way to begin the chapter) plus I'll add review response to Soul Reaver 3. I'm also thinking of maybe doing an very short fic (probably about 2 or 3 chapters long) about Kain building a dog house mainly cause I need to work on short stories. Well, see you next update! 


End file.
